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Posted

UCLA STUDY (very interesting - and short)

A study worth sharing with friends, both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that

the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on

where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is

attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is

menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with

duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

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Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large boobs.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:

Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him..

Obama thinks:

Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

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Posted

Just so you know, I lost the office trivia this morning by one point. Not only did I get the last question wrong, but I was immediately asked to leave!

The question was; where do women have the curliest hair....

Apparently the correct answer was Fiji

:lol:

:BC:

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Posted

HELL TO GET OLD...

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

:BC:

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Posted

What does the NFL and Brokeback Mountain have in common?

Cowboys that suck.

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Posted

There was anoher UCLA study on the most popular sexual position for longtime married couples.

The position surprisingly was "Doggy Style"

The man sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and play dead. :banghead:

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Posted

An old guy was in Woolworths the other day, pushing his shopping cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a cart.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says,"Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that.

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Posted

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee...

...when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the

nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet

behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man

walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were

about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the

man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this

may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like

this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife

when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence, passed

between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

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Posted

We have the standard 6 foot fence in the backyard A few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 foot-long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow - on fire - on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notce is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...but Dad always had those piece-of-crap chargers made by International (or whoever) that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die! Pleeeeaze die!' But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together,do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

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Posted

I was wondering what motor you had on the lawn motor,because I have been through a similar experience with the Ford 8N and the Bush Hog, it fired only once or twice before the engine quit, even though I was still sitting on the Tractor the experience was quite similar as the wire wrapped around the mower spindle, Chasing cattle back into the pen after that experience was not a chore I want to repeat.

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Posted

A "TOUCHING" Christmas Story…

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where

the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace a few Christmases ago and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.

Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.

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Posted

Grandmothers and Grandfathers

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers

and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather

who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family

on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his

7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in his '56 Chevy for some quality

time – just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't

feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked

forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife

came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for

the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her

grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with

grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We

didn't see one single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard,

dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

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Posted

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

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Posted

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

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The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I… I… I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"

"OK, Dad-- As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £1million bank account. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the golf & country club...(takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff sniff... A prostitute, Daddy… a prostitute! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl!

I thought ye said a Protestant.

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug! .”

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Posted

Nancy Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release: We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man. Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

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Posted

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.

Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said,

"I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

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Posted

Ron and Carla were sitting on their porch swing one afternoon. Suddenly, Carla hauls off and slaps Ron's face nearly knocking him out of the swing.

He said, "What was that for???"

She replied, "For being a lousy lover for 45 years!!"

He sat quietly for a moment and then suddenly slapped Carla, nearly knocking her out of the porch swing.

Carla said, "What was THAT for?"

Ron replies, "That is for knowing the DIFFERENCE!!"

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Posted

Have you heard about the new zoo starting up? They only have one animal, a dog.

It's a Shih-Tzu.

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Posted

Ron and Carla were sitting on their porch swing one afternoon. Suddenly, Carla hauls off and slaps Ron's face nearly knocking him out of the swing.

He said, "What was that for???"

She replied, "For being a lousy lover for 45 years!!"

He sat quietly for a moment and then suddenly slapped Carla, nearly knocking her out of the porch swing.

Carla said, "What was THAT for?"

Ron replies, "That is for knowing the DIFFERENCE!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA I got a few miles outta this one today!

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Posted

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your ass wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

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Posted

Clarity.

A gentleman was laying in a hospital bed, oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, recovering from his procedures, when a rather lovely young student nurse came into the room.

She says to him, "I'm here to give you a partial sponge bath."

"Nurse," he quietly mumbles behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm just here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles again, "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?"

Now growing concerned that the ill patient may complicate his situation by getting upset about this 'problem', she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks over the situation very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

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Posted

hahahahahaha.. I thought it was gonna be one of those jokes showing the differences between the un-insured and those with premium health insurance :lol:

Good one Larry!

:BC:

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Posted

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, one from England, one from Scotland and one from Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man

said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked lad?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no.'

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, one from England, one from Scotland and one from Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man

said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked lad?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no.'

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

I bout spit coffee out my nose on this one,Larrys joke also, gonna send these to my mother in law.She'll be laughing for a week! Randy

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